Downside Up
by LoveLorned
Summary: What will happen now after Brennan's world has turned upside down? Continues from where The Doctor in the Photo left off. **Warning: This fic portrays some images of self-harming.
1. Chapter 1

Brennan's mind wandered to the conversation she had with Booth when he was driving her home, after her close brush with death.

...

"I got the signal, Booth. I don't wanna have any regrets." Brennan glanced at Booth, earnestly waiting for his answer. Booth looked away, with pain in his eyes. _Why did this have to happen just now? I've been waiting for this moment so long but now is not the right time. _

"I'm with someone, Bones. And Hannah, she's not a consolation prize. I love her." Booth paused for a moment. Tears started to well up in Brennan's eyes until she could no longer hold it in. She cried and moaned.

Booth continued on, hoping to console her. "You know, the last thing I wanna do is hurt you. But those are the facts."

Brennan let out a sigh. "I understand. I missed my chance." She nodded, conceding defeat. "My whole world turned upside down. I can adjust."

"I did."

"Yes, you did."

Booth was concerned of leaving Brennan alone. She was fragile and vulnerable, different from the confident and independent Brennan that he was used to. "Do you want me to call someone to be with you?"

"No, I'm fine alone. Thanks." She gulped softly and closed her eyes.

...

Her thoughts shifted back to the present.

In a subconscious trance, she sauntered to the kitchen counter and examined around cautiously. A brown block of wood caught her attention. She grabbed the smallest black handle sticking out of the block and steadily pulled it out. The blade of the paring knife glistened, teasing her to play with it. Brennan stared at the pale white girl reflecting back from the blade. Her face was still, devoid of expression and energy. Brennan turned her eyes away, repulsed by the image. _How can I be this numb?_

Brennan pressed the sharp end of the blade down on her left wrist until a rush of dark red seeped through her skin. She inhaled slowly, savoring this moment when emotions and feelings flowed naturally within her. She moved the blade a bit further up and repeated the gentle slitting motion. The physical pain was invigorating and it masked any emotional pain she was lacking.

_Knock! Knock! Knock! _

She was not expecting any visitors. Surprised, she dropped her paring knife. As soon as she heard the sound of the metal blade hitting the marble floor, she snapped back to her senses. _What did I just do?_ She glanced down at her hands. They were drenched in red.

"Bones, please open the door. It's me, Booth."

Her heart beat faster. _Oh no, Booth's here. What should I do now?_


	2. Chapter 2

In frenzy, Brennan ran around looking for things to disinfect and clean the drips of blood on the floor. She scrubbed the floor hard, making sure that no stain was left. Then, she rushed to the medicine cabinet in her bedroom. She grabbed the bottle of Betadine and dabbed a small amount of the solution on her bruises. _That should do it for now._

As she headed towards the door, she grabbed one of her long-sleeved cardigans from the coat rack and quickly put it on.

Booth waited patiently outside the door. _I hope I didn't hurt Bones badly._  
His conversation with Sweets on the phone earlier worried him.  
_**Sweets:**__ Did you find Brennan?_  
_**Booth:**__ She went to Woodland to look for more evidence and almost got hit by a car. Luckily, I arrived in time to save her._  
_**Sweets:**__ So you've cracked the case?_  
_**Booth:**__ Of course! This is Bones we're talking about. She always solves the case._  
_**Sweets:**__ Great job. I guess I shouldn't be worried now. I'll get going._  
_**Booth:**__ Before you go, can I get some of your insight?_  
_**Sweets:**__ Sure, what's it about?_  
_**Booth:**__ Bones wanted to give us a chance._  
_**Sweets:**__ You mean your relationship? You and Brennan as a couple?_  
_**Booth:**__ I think so._  
_**Sweets: **__What did you say?_  
_**Booth:**__ I can't be with her because I'm with Hannah._  
_**Sweets:**__ How did Brennan take it?_  
_**Booth:**__ She understood the situation. She took it well, better than I expected._  
_**Sweets:**__ Where is Brennan right now?_  
_**Booth:**__ I just dropped her off at her place. Why?_  
_**Sweets:**__ Is anyone with her?_  
_**Booth:**__ No, she said she was fine being alone._  
_**Sweets:**__ And you believed her? Brennan may have a tough outer shell but she uses this as a defense to guard her soft heart. After the trauma of almost getting hit by a car and then being let down emotionally, she's in a very delicate state of mind. Add to this her identity association with Lauren, her coping mechanism may not be enough to accept all the recent circumstances. Remember what Lauren did whenever she felt things were spinning out of her control? With the similarities between the mental and emotional psyche of Lauren and Brennan, Brennan may not be far off._  
_[Just then, Sweets heard tires screeching. Booth had made a swift u-turn.]_  
_**Sweets:**__ Booth, are you still there?_  
_**Booth:**__ I'm heading back to Bones' place. I'll talk to you later, Sweets._

Booth's train of thought got disrupted when the door creaked open.  
"What are you doing here, Booth?"  
"I just wanted to check up on you...make sure everything is fine."  
"I told you. I can adjust. You don't have to worry about me." Brennan motioned Booth to leave. "Go home now. I'm sure Hannah is waiting for you."  
Something in Brennan's eyes told Booth that she was not telling the truth. As Brennan was about to close the door, Booth reached out and held on to Brennan's left arm. "Wait!"  
The bruises in Brennan's arm burned and she pulled her arm back instantly. Brennan let out a soft moan. She looked away, hiding the pain in her face. But she could not stop the tears from forming in her eyes. Then, she sniffled.

"What's wrong?" Booth held Brennan's hand and slowly lifted the sleeve up her arm, uncovering bright red wounds on Brennan's delicate white arm. Booth was startled by what he saw.  
He touched the wounds gently with his fingers. The cuts were still fresh, leaving light smudges of blood on his fingers. Brennan's blood. Booth felt guilty and mad at himself. That he wasn't there. That he wasn't able to stop Brennan from hurting. He didn't say or ask anything. He didn't want to hurt her even more.

Booth held Brennan closer to him, hugging her. _I'm sorry, Bones. I should have been here with you._  
"I'll stay with you tonight. Let me take you to the clinic to have your wounds checked, just to be sure there's no infection."  
Brennan nodded obediently.


	3. Chapter 3

Brennan's eyes were red and wet with tears. "Booth, please don't leave me."  
She shouted out. "I love you Booth."  
Booth turned around to face Brennan. "Hannah and I are getting married. I already proposed. She accepted. We're engaged." He paused for a moment. "You can't keep showing up in my life like this." He lifted his hand and bid goodbye.

"BOOTH!" Brennan wailed. Her body moved around the bed.  
"Bones?" Booth squinted and opened his sleepy eyes. He looked at Brennan. Her body shifted but she was still unconscious.  
"I love you, Booth." She murmured in a soft breath. Her body started shuffling on the bed. The green line on the heart monitor became erratic. Brennan's face was sweating. Booth placed his hand on Brennan's forehead._ You're running a high fever._ Booth pressed the intercom button. "We need a nurse or doctor here, stat!" He yelled into the intercom. While waiting, he grabbed a face towel and soaked it in hot water. He dabbed the warm towel over Brennan's face gently.  
A nurse entered the room. "What's wrong with the patient?"  
"Her body is burning up. She's sweating profusely."  
"Would you happen to know what triggered this?"  
Booth shook his head. "No. I heard her murmuring something but, I did not hear what she was saying."  
"She might be having a nightmare." The nurse injected a small dose of clear liquid into Brennan's right arm. "This should stabilize her heart rate."  
The beep from the heart rate monitor returned back to normal.  
Booth let out a sigh. He looked at the lapel pin on the nurse's shirt. "Thank you, Erica!"  
Erica smiled. "You're welcome! Call me whenever you notice something irregular."

Brennan opened her eyes. "Booth?" She looked around her surroundings. "Where am I? Where are we?"  
"We're at the hospital. Don't you remember anything?"  
Brennan shrugged. "The last thing I remember is having a serious conversation with you in your car." She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead with her left palm. "Ow, my head hurts." The sight of dried up red slash wounds on her wrist alarmed her. "Where did I get these? Was I involved in a serious accident?"  
Booth bit his lip and remained silent.  
"Wait, so where did we leave off when you dropped me off at my place?" Brennan asked. "Did you think about what I told you?"  
Booth held Brennan's hand and squeezed it gently. He took a deep breath. "Bones, you know I'm with Hannah. We're in a serious relationship. I want to see where that will go." He gazed into Brennan's eyes, seeking for understanding.  
Brennan shifted her eyes and stared blankly at the wall. "Booth, I don't think I can live without you." Her voice broke down and she started sobbing.  
Booth grabbed Brennan by her shoulders. "Look at me, Bones." He looked deeply into her eyes. "You're the strongest woman I know. You will get through this. You were surviving well even before you met me."  
"Booth, tell me honestly. Don't you love me?"  
Booth looked away. "Why does that matter? My answer won't change our situation. You're the more logical one here. You already know that."  
"Booth, look me in the eyes. Tell me that you don't love me, that you have no feelings for me." Brennan implored. "Then, I can leave you alone and we can start all over as friends."  
Booth shook his head. He let go of Brennan's hand. "Bones, please don't do this to me. Why are you making this difficult between us? We had a lot of chances before."  
"Just answer me, Booth. I'm a scientist and I can't bear not knowing the answer, even if it hurts me."

*****NOTE:** I am so sorry that this took so long! I totally forgot that I wasn't finished with this story yet. I hate it when readers are left hanging...so I really feel bad :(


	4. Chapter 4

_I do love you, Bones. I don't want to hurt you but this is the right thing to do._ He stared straight into Brennan's eyes and said. "I have no more feelings for you, Bones." He did not flinch or move any part of his body.

Brennan observed his facial expression. _You're good. But you're trained in the army to pass the lie detector test. _"I don't believe you, Booth. You're lying!"  
"You told me to look you in the eye and tell you that I have no more feelings for you. I did what you asked. I didn't want to tell you because I don't want to hurt your feelings." He shook his head. "But no, you had to keep pressing! What did you expect me to say? Do you feel better now that you know I don't love you anymore?" He paused. _I really don't want to hurt you any more than I already have, Bones._ "Can you please just accept that and leave me alone?"  
"No, Booth!" Brennan yelled. "I can't." Tears trickled down her eyes. _Why are you making me feel like a fool? I know you have feelings for me _"You said you knew. You said you knew, right from the beginning." She sobbed. "And I believed you."  
"That was more than a year ago, Bones. I was madly in love with you then. But now, you have to accept that I'm with Hannah. I love her. I don't have any feelings for you anymore." Booth let out a big sigh. "Why is that so hard for you to understand?"  
"Because you're never wrong with your hunches. That's your gift, Booth. Your intuition is what makes you an exceptional cop."  
_Why are you so stubborn? What's with this obsessive need to always be right? _Booth let go of Brennan's arm. He raised his voice. "I don't want to play any more of your games, Bones! I'm through with this conversation." He turned his back and marched towards the door.  
"Owww!" Brennan cried out loudly. She tilted her head down and covered her left arm.  
Booth immediately turned around. He rushed to her side and touched Brennan's arm. "Bones, what's wrong?"  
"My wounds are burning up again." She pulled the sleeve on her left arm, revealing the wounds.  
Booth sat down by her side, held her left hand and examined her arm carefully.  
_Forgive me, Booth. This is my last chance. I can't give up on you now. Not until I know for sure. _Brennan put her right arm over Booth's shoulder, pulled him closer and leaned in to kiss him.  
Booth pulled away, breaking away from the kiss. He looked away from Brennan. _Why, Brennan? Why did you have to do this to me? _He inched closer to Brennan, put his arms around Brennan and pressed her mouth on hers.  
_You still have feelings for me. A kiss never lies. Why did you lie to me, Booth? Don't you know how much you hurt me when you said you didn't love me anymore? How much it hurts me every time I see you with Hannah? _

The door creaked open. Startled, Booth pulled back and jumped away from Brennan.  
Clank. Clank. Clank.  
_Hannah! What are you doing here?_ Booth rubbed his lips gently with his hand, erasing any trace of Brennan's kiss from his lips. He turned around.  
Hannah stood at the doorway, carrying a carton tray holding three tall cups of Starbucks coffee.  
_What have I done?_ _I'm sorry, Hannah._


	5. Chapter 5

"Hannah..." Brennan cleared her throat, then forced a slight smile. "I'm glad you came to visit."  
"I came as soon as I got Booth's voice mail in my phone. He sounded really worried." Hannah placed the tray of coffee on the white table next to Brennan's bed. "Here, have some hot coffee." She handed one of the green cups to Brennan.  
"Thank you." Brennan sipped some of the coffee. "This is really very kind of you."  
"You've been a great friend to me." Hannah stroked Brennan's arm, to comfort her. "Remember, you saved my life. I will never be able to repay that."  
Brennan pulled her arm back. "Oww -"  
"I'm sorry!" Hannah moved away. "What's wrong? Did I just hurt you?" She saw some of the red wounds on Brennan's arm, through the white sleeve. _Why would you do this to yourself, Brennan? _  
Brennan saw the expression of shock on Hannah's face. She looked down her arm, and pouted. "I don't know where I got these wounds."  
Hannah turned sideways facing Booth. "Do you know what happened?" Hannah snapped her fingers. "Booth!"  
"Sorry, my mind was out of it." Booth directed his attention to Hannah. "What did you say?"  
"Do you know what happened?"  
"What do you mean?" Booth asked.  
"Brennan's wounds." Hannah paused. "How did she get them?"  
Booth shook his head. "I don't know." He paused. "When I visited her, she already had the wounds on her arm."  
Hannah glanced at Brennan. _Poor Brennan. She looks so confused. All of this might be overwhelming her. _Hannah asked Brennan: "Is it okay if I talk to Booth privately outside?"  
Brennan nodded, her eyes staring out in space.

"I don't know what happened."  
"Relax. Calm down." Hannah sensed Booth's anxiety.  
"I can't relax!" Booth snapped. "Bones is hurt. She's my partner."  
"I understand." Hannah replied softly. _I just want to know the truth. _"Can you just recount what happened when you visited Brennan last night?"  
Booth wrinkled his forehead. He slowly narrated the events, pausing every now and then to remember: "I dropped by her place to check in on her. I was concerned that something bad might happen to her because of our last case. Bones had some bizarre hallucinations when we were working through that case. Somehow, she kept on identifying herself with the doctor. Anyway, I was about to leave when I noticed the wounds on her arms. I told her I would bring her to the clinic just to be safe. However, on our way to the clinic, she passed out in the car. I couldn't wake her up. I panicked. So, I rushed her to the nearest hospital instead. The doctors here already transfused more blood to her. Her condition has stabilized now. But, she can't recall anything that happened that night."  
"Those wounds that Brennan has..." Hannah paused. "They're not natural. It's not an accid- "  
Booth stared straight at Hannah. "What are you trying to say?"  
"It's self-inflicted. Brennan cut - "  
"Stop it!" Booth grabbed Hannah by the shoulders. "Bones would never do such a thing."  
_I don't want this to be the truth as much as you do - but I know it is. Why would she do it though?_ Hannah's mind was racing with questions. "Do you know of any recent events in Brennan's life that could have triggered it?" _It's very unlike Brennan. She must be upset over something. But what?_  
"I don't know!" Booth yelled. "I told you all I know already. I don't know anything else!"  
"Jeez! You could have just answered no." Hannah put her hand up. "I'm just as concerned about Brennan as you are. I want to know how we can help her."  
"I'm sorry." Booth apologized sincerely. "I'm being a jerk."  
"Yes, you are."  
"It's just...I'm really worried about Bones. And I haven't slept since last night too."  
Hannah drew closer to Booth and wrapped her arms around him. "You're forgiven."  
"It hurts." Booth explained. "The guilt is eating me up inside...knowing that I could have prevented this -"  
"You can't blame yourself - "  
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. What happened -" He shook his head. "It's an unfortunate accident. Let's leave it at that."  
_Why are you so adamant on ignoring the issue? It's obvious that it was not an accident. _Hannah sensed the finality in Booth's tone and decided to let it go. "Ok, I won't press you anymore. But I still think that the wounds are from cutting."  
"How would you know? Were you a troubled emo teen in your dark dark past, who got high with cutting herself?"  
Hannah punched Booth on his chest. "You know - you can be such an asshole sometimes." Tears started to trickle down her eyes. Booth pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the tears away from her eyes.  
"I'm sorry." Booth bit his lip. "I didn't know this was such a sensitive topic for you."  
"One of my close friends in high school... We found her unconscious inside a stall in our school's washroom. She had cut herself. We tried. We couldn't stop the bleeding. When the ambulance came, it was too late." She sobbed. "The wounds on Brennan's arms reminded me of that incident. The marks are strikingly similar." She looked up into Booth's eyes. "I can't bear it if the same thing happened to Brennan."  
Booth hugged Hannah tightly, in his arms. "Don't worry, I'll protect both of you."  
_I'm so lucky to have you, Booth. I can always count on you. _Hannah lay her head on Booth's shoulder.  
With her head tilted sideways, she noticed smears of red on Booth's neck. "You're bleeding!" She dabbed her hand over the blood, wiping all the red off. She examined his neck closely, searching for where the blood could have come from. _This is odd. _  
"I can't find any wound or cut." Hannah faced her palm up and observed the wet red smears. She brought her hand closer to her nose, for a whiff. _It is blood. _She directed her gaze towards Booth. "Why is there blood on your neck? Where did this come from?"  
The lack of color on Booth's face paled, even next to the walls of the hospital.  
Hannah gasped._ What an idiot I am! I loved you. I thought you loved me too. How could you betray me? _

**5**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**  
"Tell me." Hannah stared at Booth, unblinking. "Did something happen between you and Brennan?"  
Booth darted his eyes away from her unnerving stare, and bowed his head down. "I'm sorry, Hannah... Please let me -"  
Her hand flew through the air and slapped Booth's right cheek hard. _I don't want to hear any of your excuses! _The slap burned her hand more than she thought it would.  
Hannah rummaged through her purse until she found a small metal object, glistening. It was the key Booth gave her when they both agreed they wanted to be in a serious relationship. Booth had asked her to stay over his place during weekends, so they could spend more time together. She glanced at Booth one last time. Then, she shoved the key onto Booth's chest and said: "I don't want to talk to you or see you ever again!" She stormed away the halls of the hospital, and she did not look back.  
Booth was stunned. He did not expect this from Hannah. His mind wandered through different scenarios of what he could do to make things right. His heart struggled to make sense of what he felt - _How could he love two women? Why did everything have to be so complicated?_ Unable to bear the stillness anymore, his legs started moving faster and faster. And soon enough, he was running through the halls tracing the steps Hannah had left. As he turned the corner of the hall, he bumped into a familiar figure.  
"Sweets!" Booth exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"  
"I heard that Brennan was confined here. So I wanted to drop by to see how she's doing."  
Booth was panting and breathing heavily. He pointed towards the left side of the hall. "Third door on the left."  
Sweets noticed something off and was worried with Booth. "Why were you rushing? What's the matter, Booth?"  
Booth paused for a while to catch his breath. His mind relaxed a little. Then, he recounted to Sweets what had happened. He confessed everything to him, like a sinner hoping eagerly for an absolution or penance.  
Booth shook his head, disappointed in himself. "I let everyone down. Brennan...Hannah...myself."  
Sweets gave him a hug and whispered. "You're human too. Don't be so hard on yourself."  
His eyes were weary and wet with tears. "I don't know what to do." He let out softly.  
"It's okay, Booth." Sweets reassured him.  
"How could I betray Hannah? She was always so good to me. I could not have asked for a better girlfriend. I really thought she was the one, you know..." His voice broke off. "Now she's gone. I made her leave me. I'm a cheater." The pain in his voice was so sharp that Sweets felt it cut through him.  
Sweets eyes were welling up. He felt for Booth. Since the beginning when he first got introduced to Booth and Brennan, he already suspected that something like this might happen. Their everyday interactions as partners, how they knew each other so intimately and how well they played off each other's strengths, but somehow remained platonic through all these years. It was just unnatural, like a dormant volcano that accumulated years and years of heat and lava underneath but let out no steam. It was waiting patiently for the perfect time to explode; And when it did, it would wreak havoc to all lives that entangled around it.  
Sweets thought for a moment. He was unsure of how to proceed. He had a lot of questions he wanted to ask Booth. His curiosity was itching. It was in his nature to prod and ask, until he unraveled the outer shell and revealed the psyche of the human being. But, he didn't want to aggravate the pain that Booth was feeling or intrude into his private life when he was in his most vulnerable. He decided he needed to ask one question at least. "Whom do you love more - Brennan or Hannah?"  
Booth was caught off-guard by Sweets' question. "Why does that matter?" He snapped back. "I need to fix my relationship with Hannah. That's the right thing to do."  
"Just answer the question." Sweets responded calmly. He was used to these types of confrontations. "I'm trying to help you here."  
"You know it's always been Brennan." Booth replied, matter-of-factly..  
"So what's stopping you now?" Sweets asked, raising his eyebrow. "Hannah left you, so you're not in a relationship. Brennan already told you that she loves you."  
"I told you I just hurt Hannah badly. I didn't want to cheat on her. I honestly didn't mean to hurt her. I need to make things right, explain what happened. Maybe she'll forgive me."  
"Do you want spend your life with Hannah or Brennan?"  
"I already told you I love Brennan more. Enough with the interrogation!" Booth retorted.  
Sweets thought of how he would drive the message to Booth without pushing his buttons. "In my professional opinion, you should give some time for Hannah to cool off first before you talk to her. She's in a fragile state right now and you can easily make things worse."  
"And what do you expect me to do right now?"  
Sweets could not believe that Booth was grasping things very slowly, but he didn't want to spell it out for him. He was typically very intuitive with things that involved feelings and emotions. Sweets placed his hand over Booth's left chest and said: "Let your heart lead you."  
Booth finally got it; his eyes lit up like a child seeing snowflakes fall from the sky for the first time. "Thanks Sweets! You are a wise man for your age." He winked at Sweets. He headed towards the room where it all started.  
As Booth opened the door to Brennan's room, a big smile spread across Sweets face. "Finally!" He whispered in victory. He pulled out his iPhone and began typing.

_From: Dr. Lance Sweets_  
_To: Dr. Gordon Wyatt_

_Good news! I will be finishing up my manuscript, "Bones - The Heart of the Matter", this week. I will send you a copy for review next week._

_This took longer than expected, but I think I have the perfect ending._

_Sincerely,_  
_Lance_

Sweets hit the "Send" button. Two words flashed back on his screen:_ Message sent!_

**-THE END-**


End file.
